Anyone who is involved on the front lines of social services knows that women make up a large percentage of the people who need assistance to get back on their feet after dealing with the ravages of poverty, relationship breakdown, and/or substance abuse. Single mothers, especially, can face a tough struggle.
But Jonathan Buchanan, the creator of Comox Valley Understanding Men (CVUM). believes that the pendulum has swung too far in one direction. There's another group whose members require assistance when their lives become difficult, and many of them have fallen under the radar. That group consists of men.
Because we have been hearing for so long about the problems women face, it may come as a surprise to discover that men also face situations in their home lives which require them to move out, and expose themselves to vulnerability.
Jonathan says that according to Canada Mental Health statistics, 45-65% of men have been abused emotionally and/or physically in their relationships.
He says “There is no doubt that there is a wide gap in services for men and women. Services for women include the Womens' Resource Centre, where there's counselling, coaching, support and help, at no cost. Lily House provides safe housing. There was nothing for men leaving abusive relationships until recently.”
Part of the solution has been the creation of “My House” - “faith-based transitional housing”- a safe supportive place for men to live while they try and begin a new life.
Jonathan says- “I have been working for eight years in the valley. Two years ago we rented a house on 5th Street from Elam Gospel Church. We put one man in there, trained as a house coordinator, then brought in two men off the street, who got on welfare and helped pay the rent.”
Jonathan explains- “At first we weren't going to charge, but that didn't work.” Expenses are also covered with donations from churches and others.
There are now four men living there- “Every man there was once homeless.”
Jonathan adds- “Men are warriors. This is a whole different approach- humbling, communal- they are asked to put aside their egos.”
CVUM runs another house on Lake Trail, which contains six men, one of whom is the house coordinator. Jonathon says- “It's safe housing- drug, alcohol and violence free.”
In addition to affordable housing, the men are offered counselling, and a relationship with mentors.
Like for women, housing becomes a key issue when men's lives are in transition.
Jonathan finds out first hand what men go through at a weekly mens' peer support group, which occurs Wednesdays at the Nursing Centre in Courtenay.
Anywhere from seven to twenty-three men show up, “Many presenting with housing issues- newly separated or divorced.”
Jonathan explains that when there are breakups in a relationship, “Men typically leave the house.
All of a man's efforts have gone to keep a house going for the wife and children, but he needs to also take care of himself. Lots of newly separated men are living out of a truck or camper, or couch surfing.
They struggle to make child support payments, and then need to pay for another house. It's a mountain almost too high to climb.”
Tough economic times take their toll- unemployment can rip families apart- “when men stop being the provider, there are identity issues- if he's not the father or husband, what does it mean to be a man?What is the meaning of life?”
The group helps men share ways to deal with their problems- “How can we help each other to become men of honour, direction, purpose. My goal is to provide this for men in this community.”
Through the group, men also come in contact with services and agencies, such as the Law Society and Justice Centre. Custody issues are often on the front burner.
Jonathan's life and work emerge from the Mens' Movement which started in the 1980's, around when Robert Bly's book “Iron Man”, touched a widespread nerve in men, encouraging them to “embrace the feminine side, be compassionate and empathetic.”
Jonathan got deeply involved, going down to the States on weekends, where men were experimenting with new ways of relating. Unfortunately, “I got nothing out of it. Run naked through the woods and beat on our chests? I still didn't know what it meant to be a man. What society set out, was confusing.”
And it still is. Our culture us filled with contradictory images of masculinity, to the point where every individual needs to make up his own mind about what it means to be a man. Jonathan, for one, favours a “more humane model,” where men help one another to figure out how to get through life.
He says “If boys don't have a strong healthy role model, chances are slim they will become a successful man.”
So healthy role models are key- he encourages healthy men to become mentors to others- “Walk with your brothers.”
In this “peer support program, we're not there to fix anything. Peer support is different from therapy- it's strength based. You guide them to that dignity in life.
In his work with men, Jonathan often deals “with lots of anger”. Anger management is a way to try and find out where it comes from in one-on-one counselling or through a group.
Jonathan donates many of his services without charge, but he also earns a pay cheque through his business called Beacons, with partner Tina Tibbits, which offers workshops, seminars and public speaking on life skills for individuals and corporations on themes such as: “Mastering Your Fear”, “Get the Life You Want”, and “Breaking Bad Habits”. You can reach Beacons at 250-338-7623.
Jonathan is also looking for fund-raising to maintain and expand services to men.
He says “organized crime, drugs and poverty are here. We need to attend to the health of the community.”
The men's drop-in group, open to anyone, takes place on Wednesdays from 6-8:30 pm, and one-on-one sessions are available on Fridays from 1-5 pm, at the Comox Valley Nursing Centre- 615 England Ave in Courtenay, 250-331-8502.